Nearly 13 weeks

You really do get absent-minded and clumsy and stuff when you're pregnant. It's embarassing. I mean, I tend to say dumb things and not use common sense if I'm nervous (like I am at work around a lot of people) anyway, and this just amplifies it. At least I have an excuse.

I've been reading my old roommate Adrienne's baby blog, and it's almost creepy how much we think alike. I love reading it because she's about twice as far along as I am, so I can go back and read an entry from where I am now and feel understood about the little idiosyncracies of pregnancy. Like being really happy that I'll have a good excuse to quit my job. I might quit early anyway, since it's starting to stress me to the point of physical pain and my baby is a little more important to me than the place I work for. And it's not like I just need help learning the work, it's the people and the atmosphere. Not easily changed.

I also love how she is likewise irked at people assuming she's going to hand her tiny baby off to daycare the second she's recovered and zip right back to work, like it's her favorite place to be, like it's a dream job or a career. I've had so many coworkers ask me, "So, what about after the baby's born?" Me: "What about it?" Them: "Are you going to come back to work?" Here's where I have difficulty restraining myself from laughing in their face and saying, "Are you kidding?!"

Just because it's mainly women who work there (even though Rexburg is like 95% Mormon and Mormon women are encouraged to give up whatever they need to to stay home with their children) does not mean I'm joining that whole "Gee, I wish I could stay home with my kids, but that would mean trading in my SUV and not vacationing in Hawaii this year" mentality. Maybe some of them really have no choice, and I know it won't be easy to live on one salary--maybe not even always possible--but I figure since I'm the only mother my child has, maybe I ought to raise it myself instead of handing it off to a stranger so I can spend the day pretending to think store policies and federal regulations and insurance fee schedules and forms are actually important. Again, I know some women have no choice about that, but I feel like so many of the women in this town (probably in the whole church) are just fooling themselves, saying, "Well, the prophets say if you can, and I just can't. [Insert previous SUV/Hawaii statement here.]" It seems like it's just expected of women to work around here. It was like that at Rexburg Floral too. And I have never in my life had the desire to work forever; I hate it, and I only do it out of necessity. So I feel like I'm seen as lazy. Yet I would love to have the time, motivation, and energy to keep my house clean, take better care of my garden, join every church and Relief Society group, help in every service project--meaningful work! So what's the deal?

Maybe I should rename this blog "Kristina's Rants." Being realistic, it's all I seem to write lately.

I'm sorry. When work comes up, I tend to end up in a rant, one way or another. I really try, honestly, but I HATE it. And I have to spend most of my time at that awful, spirit-crushing place. The only light at the end of that long tunnel is that I don't have to work until we move, just until the baby's born. But it's a dim light, since I wake up dreading work every day, and I still have at least five and a half months before my due date. Every Friday at six, I'm 50-50: 50% ecstatic to be getting the heck out of there for two days, and 50% already dreading Monday morning.

Anyone know of an easy way to get ahold of ten grand without going into debt?

Anyway. Heard the heartbeat on Thursday. I was getting nervous because it took her a minute to find it, but she did, in a corner by my hip. So crazy. Still can't comprehend it.

Here's a happy thought. Going to church today helped, looking at all the babies and how happy (if tired) their moms looked, and knowing that it will stink until then, but one day I really will be done with the shop for good, it will be just an unpleasant memory, and I can enjoy being a mommy. Hopefully I won't even be able to remember how awful it was, like when period cramps are over and you wonder if they really could be so bad. (And next month you remember, oh yeah, they totally are. Hopefully that won't happen in this situation...)

One more thing: I actually did something yesterday! I floated down the Snake River on a tube with some friends. Got a little more color in my skin, despite the sunscreen. Totally exhausted me though (even through today), so on that note, I'm going to bed.