Breastfeeding 101

This isn't a post about holds, letdown, milk supply, or what it might seem. It's a few things I've learned from my struggle with and recent decision to finally end breastfeeding. Be warned, it's a little long because I've tried to give even somewhat of an accurate picture of all I've been through and exactly how I feel, which is, of course, impossible.

Here's what I've learned in a nutshell:

Your nipples don't always "toughen up." Breastfeeding, for some women, is torture every 2-3 hours.
Breastfeeding may be cheaper than formula-feeding, but it is not necessarily easier.
You just may feel like the lowest form of life if you decide to feed your baby formula, and people's assumptions and careless comments about how much better breastfeeding is don't help.

If you are of the opinion that there is no excuse to not breast-feed, the next time you see a mother bottle-feeding her baby and are tempted to feel disapproving, please consider these points:

She may have been planning, ever since she planned on becoming a mother, to breast-feed. The thought may never have entered her mind that she wouldn't. She may have gone to WIC appointments where they pounded "breast is best" into her head in at least ten different ways (verbally, videos, handouts, posters around the office), and she agreed wholeheartedly. She may have bought nursing bras, pads, night clothes, shirts, etc. for nursing before her baby was born, read books multiple times, etc. so that she would be prepared. Then when her baby was born, maybe breastfeeding hurt--a lot. But maybe she figured it would pass, and everyone and their mom told her it would, so she kept going. But it might never have stopped hurting--it might have only gotten worse, no matter how many lactation specialists or breastfeeding peer counselors she got advice from. Every feeding might have hurt her worse than labor, and she could only get through them by squeezing her husband's hand and watching a movie for distraction.

Maybe this girl wouldn't give up, though. Maybe she tried pumping so that her baby would still get that precious breast milk. Only you're supposed to pump every three hours, so maybe she got even less sleep because she spent an hour getting up with the baby, then another hour pumping, and by that time the baby would be getting up in only another two hours, so she was falling apart from sleep deprivation. So maybe pumping didn't work great, either.

So this girl might have thought, well, a bottle of formula here and there wouldn't be bad. But then maybe her milk supply began to dwindle, so she tried to breast-feed the baby and pump. Maybe those feedings hurt all the more, but the girl felt so guilty at the idea of not breastfeeding that she lived in almost constant pain for three months, unable to give up the idea of having that special bond with her baby and giving him that perfect nutrition.

Maybe she has shed, literally, thousands of tears over breastfeeding. Maybe she wishes more than anything that she could, and maybe when she sees the sideways or even outright disapproving looks some women give her, she wonders all over again whether she's a good mother or not.

Maybe she used to feel a little disapproving toward bottle-feeding women herself (to her shame), until she learned for herself that there is no one right answer for everyone.

I could include so many other details and nuances, like wanting to feed the baby before church so she wouldn't have to make formula in the mother's lounge, worrying about the cost of formula, worrying about the idea of a natural disaster that might make formula unavailable, going back and forth literally multiple times a day about whether to quit, hoping that somehow it would be better with her next baby...

In other words, please remember (and I absolutely include myself in this plea--to myself, it's a stern order) that none of us, ever, know what another person feels or is going through, and we have absolutely no right to judge anyone but ourselves. Like how we all know that two parents are better than one, but not everyone has that luxury. Some mothers have to work outside of their homes--and they hate it. We try to do the best we can, but this is not an ideal world. Studies do show that breastfeeding is the most beneficial way to feed a baby, but it just may not always be a viable option. Thank goodness formula has come such a long way and is a perfectly acceptable second choice!

I hope that wasn't too self-righteous or offensive in any other way. I just really feel strongly about this after all the turmoil I've been through with it, and feel almost desperate for people to understand.