Wherever you are, life can be hard

I've been a little down the past few days. I got sick as a dog with the stomach flu Friday night, so my birthday weekend didn't turn out like it was supposed to. My much-anticipated chance to have dinner and a movie with Jason was obviously not going to happen, but I did get some nice presents, including a new iPod from Jason. (We sold my old one on Craigslist last night to help make up the cost.)

Jamie seems to be starting the terrible twos early; he gets whiny at the drop of a hat and...well, does other baby things that can drive me crazy. Plus the weather is supposed to hit triple digits this week, so our morning walks are even in jeopardy, because by 9 a.m. it's already uncomfortably warm. And that flu really took a lot out of me; it's going to take awhile to work back up to where I was physically a week ago.

Jason is gone all day; I don't have anywhere to go, or much of anything to do. We're not sure we can pay all our bills this month without going into debt, due to a few unexpected things, like my not putting a tracking number on software I sold on Amazon--I'm pretty sure the girl lied about it not arriving so she wouldn't have to pay for it. I had to refund her what I made, plus the commission Amazon took, plus the shipping I fruitlessly paid for, plus I no longer have the software to sell. So we lost $250, in essence, for my stupidity and her dishonesty, though I hinted during our exchange that I'm a SAHM trying to make a few extra dollars, trying to give her some guilt. Either didn't work or the post office really stinks. I'm betting on the first.

Why are some women blessed with a natural talent for looking after children with patience and gentleness? Sometimes I wonder whether I should have more than one or two more children, because I don't think I understand them very well. I love Jamie to death, and he loves me, but I spend too much time regretting the latest instance in which I've lost my temper with him, vowing and praying to do better, and later being mad at myself for failing again and again.


Sigh.

And now, to break up my pity party with some happy thoughts, because I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing one once in awhile, but I need to try to get my head on straight:

1) I may not get to see my husband all day, but he's happy to see me when he comes home. He's not perfect, but he's wonderful and I'm incredibly blessed to have him.
2) My baby can drive me nuts, but he's also given me the sweetest moments of my life. He's healthy, loving, and a joy to have in my life. His poops and whining I could do without, though, if we could find a way around that...
3) Yeah, we're having to really, REALLY pinch the pennies this month (Jason bought my new iPod before these other things hit, btw), but at least we're making them steadily. It was a lot worse when things kept coming up and Jason still hadn't found a job. A LOT more worrisome.
4) I have the gospel. The more I see of the world, the more grateful I am to know there is a living prophet and that I am a member of Jesus Christ's own church. Seriously, I'm so glad there are people to let us know what's worth it in this world and what should be left alone because it will just mess up your life! (drugs, pornography, sleeping around, etc., in case that wasn't clear)

Thumping overhead. And I just realized I do have the baby monitor on, so Jamie is apparently still sleeping and it must have been the neighbors. There's another small but appreciated blessing.

I was thinking of not publishing this, to "accentuate the positive" as President Hinckley used to say. But I think I will in case there are others who might feel at times like everyone else's lives are going just right, everyone else has enough money and a flat screen TV, and they're the only ones who have a hard time raising children or whatever. I think there's a balance between accentuating the positive and still being realistic, and I would love it if someone took comfort in knowing they're not the only one.